Eloped

[Delvie]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed, "Dear Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.  Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your Loving Son,
Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[kikuchiyo]

Delvie, that is TOO funny. Thanks for the laugh.

[pctchuck]

A little change of prespective can make all the difference in the world.  Still, I hope my son's report card shows some improvement over the last one.

[dawnsawaking]

The first joke is called Firewood -

Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?
Yes.
I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.
Hey Virgil, This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come by?
Yeah
Did they chop your firewood?
Yep.
Happy Birthday, buddy  


Here is the second joke called Senior Moments -

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and  the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and  she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........."You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:  Senior moments have their advantages.

[dawnsawaking]

If you are 30 or older (or getting close anyway) you will know this is so true...



When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways... yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it.

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email.  We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters.  You wanted to steal music; you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself.  Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship?  You couldn't just download porn.  You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11.  Those were your options.

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting.  If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either.  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was.  It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know.  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics.  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass.  Your guy was a little square.  You actually had to use your imagination.  And there were no multiple levels or screens.  It was just one screen forever!  And you could never win the game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died.... Just like LIFE.

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating.  All the seats were the same height.  If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control!  You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing.  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either.  You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying!?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...imagine that.  If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.  Kids today have got it too easy.  They're spoiled and wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.

[sllamky01]

Class of 1980 right here
that is too funny I think I will have to put that in my sons graduation card this year

[dawnsawaking]

If women with big boobs work at Hooter`s


Where do one legged women work?


You're going to love this



Ready...


at the IHOP Restaurant

[cristos]

Dave Attell has a funny bit about asking directions. He says the best person to ask is a one-legged man because he knows the quickest way to get there.
You won't be climbing any ladders or stairs! He also adds that a one-legged man is very entertaining because he always has a story about how he lost his leg ;D

[dawnsawaking]

    GOOD

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar.  He had a perfect spot
to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.  Then he discovered the
problem.

A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read  "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"

The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading,  "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
lemonade!)

       BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar  post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded
with another  mailed photo of handcuffs.

        BEST

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the
TX State  Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I  bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State
Police
Ball." He replied,  "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of
silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed
his book,
got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her
car.

[dawnsawaking]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.  But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, shouting and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Oh be quiet, you crazy, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[kikuchiyo]

lol

[dawnsawaking]

I do have another joke called "The Moral of the story" but since there are young eyes I can't post it..lol but if you would like to know im me and I will send it your way.

[dawnsawaking]

A  6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year old.. "I think it's about time we
started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval..
The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't
be Cheerios."

[kikuchiyo]

LOL

[jsniderfamily]

I got my mouth washed out literally with soap in kindergarten for saying S H I T, repeating what Mike Upperman had said.  He never got caught of course.

[sllamky01]

I was  the first kid ever to be suspended in the 3rd grade from my school. for calling my teacher a Bitch. the thing is I said Witch she heard Bitch. hell at the time I did not know what it ment. looking back I guess she was.

[kikuchiyo]

lol

[dawnsawaking]

Here is another one....

A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"

"I don't know," said the boy.

"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."

The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of a$$."

[california69gs]

lol