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JCVaughn
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« on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 13:54:20 » |
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Hello, and welcome to a new column good for, oh, at least one film review.
And good is a subjective term for our first one:
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #1 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 14:17:59 » |
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Editor's note: Mike and I agree on very little when it comes to movies. Keep that in mind. The Transporter 2Written by Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen "Directed by" Louis Leterrier The Transporter, though not directed by Luc Besson ( La Femme Nikita), definitely bore the visual imprint of its producer/creator. The stylish and adventure-filled flick was a Hong Kong-esque take on Besson's well-established mix of visuals, characters and action. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and bought it on DVD as soon as it was released. Transporter 2's "director" Louis Leterrier worked on the first film as artistic director. "Artistic director" makes sense. In this case, it sure as heck wasn't "substance director." This, honest to goodness, is probably one of the two worst films I've ever seen. For many years I've told anyone who asked -- and many who didn't -- that I thought Batman & Robin was the Plan Nine From Outerspace for our generation. If The Transporter 2 runs second to Batman & Robin, it is not a distant second. Every time the "storytellers" who made this film were confronted with a choice, they took the stupid one. The only time this is not true is when there was an even more stupid choice available. Additionally, this is easily the most staggeringly bad sequel to a good movie. Mike?
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #2 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:09:49 » |
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Mike here...
JCV musta poped some happy pills on the way home from the movies cause his above review was just WAY TOO KIND!
How can I sum up how bad this movie was?? Humm... OK how about if I just tell you my favorite part. It was the end.
I don't mean the ending of the movie, I mean the part where the words THE END appeared on the screen. I actually popped from my seat applauding and cheering as if Tiffany Amber Theeissen had finally admitted she loves me more than coke itself!
OHH... you want an example of one of the most (many, more, numerous, frequent, nonstop...) scenes?
Ok... The main character and main bad guy are up flying high in a private jet. A fight ensues (whoda thunk?) and the pilot gets shot. We've seen this all countless times before but never have I seen it handled in such an amazingly stupid and inept way?? After being shot, the plane goes up...the plane goes down...the plane spins left... the plane spins right... and through it all the characters fight, loaded gun sliding back and forth on the ground between them, always just out of reach.
Finally (thank God) the plane decides to nose dive (at probably 600+ mph) to crash in the middle of the ocean, giving the main charater just enough time to jump (at what I guess would have to be 601+ mph) towards the back of the plane and survive the crash. The plane then rapidly sinks, water rushing through the only damage that occured, at the rear of the plane (rear?? Didn't this thing just nose dive in at 600 freakin mph to crash headfirst into the ocean??).
A three minute scene follows where the main characters again start fighting (whoda thunk part 2) and finally escape from the still rapidly sinking plane (Hey, didn't the Titanic sink more than five miles under water in about 3 minutes??) to swim to the surface (in about 5 seconds) only to be immediately surrounded by rescue ships (12 of them if I counted right) within seconds (certainly less time that it took to swim to the surface in the first place!
And that was only one quick example of one scene.
Unfortunately this movie had more than one scene.
MAN DID I PICK A BAD DAY TO GIVE UP CARRYING AROUND MY NAGINATTA!
On a scale of 1-10...this movie sucked! I'm actually going to pay people not to see this movie. Run screaming from this movie...really!!
-SEE YA AT THE MOVIES (just not this one!) M
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #3 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:34:26 » |
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No happy pills, Mike. Just blocking out the painful memories... the many, many painful memories of this film.
Traditionally I hate spoiling films for people. I have trouble even talking to people about films I know they've seen....but there's just simply no way to spoil this movie.
Think of rotten eggs fermenting in an unwashed milk carton, add in a few fish heads, some uncooked red meat, and put it under the front seat of a moldy Dodge Dart with some sweat socks for about three days at 110 degrees with the windows up. And then you're almost there.
Start with the cars chasing The Transporter up the spiral riser in a parking garage (This has become standard action flick fare, to the point of being a cliche all by itself, of course, but let's ignore that. If we pick on every detail we'll be here all night).
Does he escape? Oh, sure, yes, yep, ay-yup. He gets away by jumping the car to the next building, which is under construction. It is easily one of the worst CGI shots in a mainstream film in years, but it's only one of the worst.
The worst? That would be seconds later when the ugly evil lady assasin shoots down a police helicopter. Oh, good gravy, was this CGC shot horrible. I mean, seriously, I'm relatively sure that Godzilla crushing huge chunks of Tokyo in the '60s was more realisitic.
Then there's the the bomb on the bottom of the car. The Transporter flips the car over as it's flying through the air, using the hanging hook of a crane to knock the bomb from the bottom of the car, which of course he then drives away in.
And, as Mike described, it's all down hill from there.
The one attractive woman in the film, the mom of the kid who gets kidnapped, is rarely seen and very underused.
The somewhat sympathetic French cop from the first film, a great character, is played for laughs, simultaneously a boob and a computer genius. Oy.
Innocent cops? Maimed for being the wrong place.
The kid? It's as if they had an idea and then Man on Fire came out and they chucked their idea, keeping just enough of it that anyone with half a brain would recognize the pale imitation.
Half-baked would have been better.
Does it seem like I'm being harsh now? There's still no way I'm being anything close!
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #4 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:42:34 » |
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Mike here again...
I've only said this about one other movie in my life...
ARTISTIC AND LINGUISTIC POO
That's what this movie was... nuff said. M
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« Last Edit: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:46:06 by JCVaughn »
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kikuchiyo
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« Reply #5 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:47:06 » |
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Is this like Siskel and Ebert or what?
I actually haven't read the thread yet, but I could just see you guys in the roles.
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kikuchiyo
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« Reply #6 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 15:52:51 » |
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Okay Mike, just tell me where to send my address to so you can pay me NOT to go. I was so seriously considering watching this movie in the theatres just because of the action, but thanks to you two, not only will I save $8.25, but now I will get $8.25 from you.lol
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Delvie
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« Reply #7 on: Mon, September 5, 2005, 16:07:28 » |
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The only real choices for movies this weekend were Brothers Grimm & Transporter 2. 4 of us went together to see this movie & despite a few ridiculous plot faux pas, we all enjoyed the movie.
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« Last Edit: Mon, September 5, 2005, 16:26:02 by Delvie »
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #8 on: Wed, September 7, 2005, 11:54:26 » |
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Is this like Siskel and Ebert or what?
I actually haven't read the thread yet, but I could just see you guys in the roles. Mike gets to be Siskel. He's dead. I'll be the fat guy. |
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #9 on: Wed, September 7, 2005, 11:55:53 » |
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Okay Mike, just tell me where to send my address to so you can pay me NOT to go. I was so seriously considering watching this movie in the theatres just because of the action, but thanks to you two, not only will I save $8.25, but now I will get $8.25 from you.lol Mike is now asking anyone who wants to see this movie to throw their money down the sewer in order to expedite the process. :o |
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« Last Edit: Wed, September 7, 2005, 18:27:03 by JCVaughn »
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #10 on: Wed, September 7, 2005, 11:57:41 » |
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The only real choices for movies this weekend were Brothers Grimm & Transporter 2. 4 of us went together to see this movie & despite a few ridiculous plot faux pas, we all enjoyed the movie. Were you by any chance drunk at the time? a few ridiculous plot faux pas Aside from the end credits, which I'm not 100% certain were mistake free, what actually made sense in this film? |
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BillyTucci
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The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.
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« Reply #11 on: Wed, September 7, 2005, 17:09:27 » |
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Beau Smith is pissed off at JCV for his "Transporter 2" review. Beau hasn't seen the movie but that doesn't matter.
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THANK YOU FOR 13 WONDERFUL YEARS OF SHI and Crusade. YOU HAVE ALL CHANGED MY LIFE AND I AM HONORED.
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Delvie
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« Reply #12 on: Thu, September 8, 2005, 20:32:55 » |
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Were you by any chance drunk at the time?
Aside from the end credits, which I'm not 100% certain were mistake free, what actually made sense in this film?
Nah... but I tried to get as wasted as I could to try to imagine that this is one of the 2 worst movies you've ever seen. I can think of dozens of horrible movies that put this movie in a different echelon.
I usually do have a habit of liking movies that critics hate & hating movies that reviewers rave about. It's nice to know I am not alone in liking the movie as there are several critics who enjoyed it. Not to worry though, there are just as many that hated it. So far, the likes are outnumbering the dislikes on the rotten tomatoe poll. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/transporter_2/
I knew in the 1st 5 mins when Knight Rider bitch-slapped the Black-eyed Peas that I was probably going to enjoy the movie. I'll try to give reasons later as it is 2:32AM & I have to meet a crew @ 6am. |
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jsniderfamily
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« Reply #13 on: Fri, September 9, 2005, 00:24:27 » |
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Is this the heem and hair review?
What others might you two review?
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #14 on: Sun, September 11, 2005, 01:10:37 » |
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What others might you two review?
Joe, Since Mike just bought a house 3 miles away from me, I think we'll review plenty. On the other hand, we most likely won't agree as much as we did this time. This extra special movie is one of those rare instances we're on the same wavelength. And don't worry, Delvie! We'll get those bastards who hit you over the head! |
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« Last Edit: Sun, September 11, 2005, 01:10:59 by JCVaughn »
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #15 on: Sun, September 11, 2005, 01:30:30 » |
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mike here...
Delvie...just heard about your accident. You OK man??
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jsniderfamily
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« Reply #16 on: Sun, September 11, 2005, 03:14:49 » |
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What happened to Delvie?
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #17 on: Sun, September 11, 2005, 10:07:31 » |
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What happened to Delvie? He liked Transporter 2. Something must be wrong! |
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Delvie
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« Reply #18 on: Fri, September 16, 2005, 05:54:13 » |
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What happened to Delvie? Sorry it has taken so long to get online & respond to this. I guess you could say I am operating on FEMA time. Nope, heads fine. My compadres are projecting, hoping I will have a head trauma that might cause me to see things their way. I'm too eveeeeal to allow a simple thing like a concussion mess w/ me. ;) BBL |
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suryanijan
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« Reply #19 on: Sat, September 17, 2005, 08:18:44 » |
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Jaysus, mate .. just read this and realised you'd been hurt. Hey, I know you work with some buttheads but really ... glad you are OK.
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Bigotry is not attractive. Neither is stupidity. So stop it.
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #20 on: Thu, September 22, 2005, 11:12:40 » |
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Jaysus, mate .. just read this and realised you'd been hurt. Hey, I know you work with some buttheads but really ... glad you are OK. Here's the really amazing thing... Mike and I can't agree on the definition of "rock and roll," and yet we both hated this movie completely. :o |
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MR_REVENANT
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« Reply #21 on: Fri, September 30, 2005, 11:09:26 » |
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Actually...Delvie's not alone. I enjoyed the movie, despite the weak (OK, nonexistant) plot. It was still entertaining. Maybe I got hit in the head, but you know, out of all the unbelievable stuff that occured in this movie and there was alot of it, the biggest problem I had with this film was Matthew Modine's character didn't even question that his wife might cheat on his bony ass with Jason Statham's character. Hell...the thought never crossed his mind. But, hey, who needs a sub-plot that might overpower the nonexistant one.
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jsniderfamily
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« Reply #22 on: Sun, October 2, 2005, 03:04:57 » |
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Can't wait for your commentary on CRASH - a new movie out on DVD. Just watched it....horrible, all about racism, bad acting, sad,sad movie.
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #23 on: Sun, October 2, 2005, 13:49:18 » |
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Actually...Delvie's not alone. I enjoyed the movie, despite the weak (OK, nonexistant) plot. It was still entertaining. Maybe I got hit in the head, but you know, out of all the unbelievable stuff that occured in this movie and there was alot of it, the biggest problem I had with this film was Matthew Modine's character didn't even question that his wife might cheat on his bony ass with Jason Statham's character. Hell...the thought never crossed his mind. But, hey, who needs a sub-plot that might overpower the nonexistant one. Dude, sorry to hear about the head trauma. Get well soon. |
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JCVaughn
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« Reply #24 on: Sun, October 2, 2005, 13:52:58 » |
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Can't wait for your commentary on CRASH - a new movie out on DVD. Just watched it....horrible, all about racism, bad acting, sad,sad movie. Joe - I'm trying to get Mike to get Netflix. That way once he gets up here permanently he can take the hit for some of the real duds... goodness knows, I've seen enough by myself! :o BTW, Mike closed on his house last Wednesday and is now back in Florida packing up. Should be up here the last week of the month. JCV |
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